"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women."
"Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
"If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job."
"The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you."
"I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodelling."
"Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill ’em."
"It’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine."
"Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic."
"I took a speed reading course and read War And Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia."
"It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
"This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?"
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment."
"With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
"Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end."
"I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's."
"I don't believe in science. Science is an intellectual dead end. You know, it's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants."
"I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes."
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
"Is she kidding, talking to me like that? It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter... you know, 'cause she graduated from Vassar and I went to driving school."
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
"Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television."
"I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people."
"I was thrown out of NYU [New York University] for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"I took one course in existential philosophy at New York University and on the final they gave me ten questions. I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left ’em all blank... I got a hundred."
Allen: What are you doing Saturday night? Woman: Committing suicide. Allen: What about Friday night?
"Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
"Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
"After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was, and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, most of us... need the eggs."
"I can't express anger. That's one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead."
Man: You are so self-righteous, you know. I mean we're just people. We're just human beings, you know? You think you're God.
Allen: I... I gotta model myself after someone.
Man: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
Allen: I know, perceptive.
"Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."
"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
"If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job."
"The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you."
"I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodelling."
"Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill ’em."
"It’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine."
"Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic."
"I took a speed reading course and read War And Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia."
"It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
"This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?"
"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it by not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment."
"With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
"Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end."
"I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's."
"I don't believe in science. Science is an intellectual dead end. You know, it's a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants."
"I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes."
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
"Is she kidding, talking to me like that? It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter... you know, 'cause she graduated from Vassar and I went to driving school."
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."
"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
"Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television."
"I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people."
"I was thrown out of NYU [New York University] for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"I took one course in existential philosophy at New York University and on the final they gave me ten questions. I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left ’em all blank... I got a hundred."
Allen: What are you doing Saturday night? Woman: Committing suicide. Allen: What about Friday night?
"Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
"Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
"After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was, and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, most of us... need the eggs."
"I can't express anger. That's one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead."
Man: You are so self-righteous, you know. I mean we're just people. We're just human beings, you know? You think you're God.
Allen: I... I gotta model myself after someone.
Man: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.
Allen: I know, perceptive.
"Plus I'll probably have to give my parents less money. It'll kill my father. He's not gonna be able to get as good a seat in the synagogue. He'll be in the back, away from God, far from the action."
[Responding to fans, sceptical of his plan to direct an opera] "I have no idea what I am doing. But incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm."
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
"80% of success is showing up."
"Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage"
Sources:
http://www.imdb.com/poll/XO4KNPKObhI/
http://www.imdb.com/poll/Lxmp3XaCb_Q/
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